Monkey ***

pssst...

http://www.livejournal.com/users/thecissilent

.fin.

I've had this recurring vision, for on about the past 2 years or so now.

I'm in a huge indoor swimming pool, alone. There is a shiny metal pole, similar to a handrail around the inside diameter of the pool, about 6 inches above the waterline. I have a whiteknuckled grip on this pole. My feet don't touch the bottom, and it appears to be all I have to keep myself from drowning. Then, from seemingly out of nowhere, someone on the outside of the pool, leaning in, puts their hand on my head and starts pushing me under, and holding me there. I know that since the person holding me under is on the outside of the pool, and I am on the inside, that if I were to just let go of the metal pole, I could go under the water and swim away to the otherside where everything would be alright. But I just allow myself to let go. I hear my head screaming at me, but I can never do it. I'd never seen how it ends.

Today, I had it again. I was driving down Eureka and it just struck me. This of course, was after I had left work because it just wasn't good for anyone for me to stay there. I knew what I had to do. And I understood why everyone I've ever felt that way about has told me the exact same thing.

I just have to let go.

As a side note, I'd like to add that anyone attempting to get me to join their psuedoclub should just not bother. I will not be swayed by bitterness, and I will not be a victim. My love is just as strong as it ever has been, even though it's directed a bit differently now. It's finally over. All the pain and hurt and jealousy and fear have stopped. All that's left is the love.

**
Dear You.

Let's go back to the start.

Love Me.

--Chrissy--

24/X was AWESOME.

(Mostly.)

We also have SUPERHOT XXX SEXY ROMP photographs.

You'll just have to wait and see.

(I'm willing to shed blood for the doubles. That's right. You like that, bitch?)

I have Scully 4, that's the love disease.

Oh. Yes. The greatest line from any X-Files episode ever has been determined:

Crump: "I know all about you FBI Jews. You put radiation in little retarded kid's gonads."

Great show, great company. Lucky Chrissy.

--Chrissy--

There's something about the way you put your sunroof down on the first day of winter that made the sun come out just a minute longer and there is something about your silly charm that makes me stay out much later than usual and don't make the same mistake that everyone else has you know I'm not saying I'm in love w/you or that I could ever even be in love w/you and I'm not even saying that you disrupted the sanctity of this architecture I've been helping build for so long even though I'm pretty sure that you wouldn't mind if you had really all I've been trying to get at w/all of this is that I read in a book once about infinity and in that moment it made more sense than it ever has before.

(But do you believe in signs? Because I think I do now.)

This story has a moral, though.

I don't think I'll be wasting all my matches on fireworks. The cold's coming in, and I'll need a fire to keep me warm.

So keep 'em burning, my love.

--Chrissy--

So I was rubbing his neck and he was making these little purring noises and these little moaning sounds and we both knew *exactly* what we were doing, and that's a-ok, because we both knew it wasn't really all that bad.

Love hexagon? Hex something.

Anyway, I guess it was alright. But I didn't get an "I love you" from anyone.

(And last night I could still smell his sweat and cologne on my fingers and I smiled for the little firework that was everything that it possibly could be.)

I remembered how thankful I was for my home, only through a vacation. And it's not like it's not my turn.

You said my heart was pure gold. Baby you're a rich man.

So for your broken heart.
And for your rampant attraction.
And for your wife.

Call it a Christmas gift.

--Chrissy--

I am loyal.

These autumn days can't even bring me down. Who'd have ever thought that it'd be me?

And everything w/everyone is ending and dying and the adage that "nothing lasts forever" seems almost like it could be true. But that would be dishonest. And what's truth w/o honesty?

I want my hair to be blond again.

Perfect is nice, I suppose, if you're into that sort of thing. But I'll take beautiful any day.

I want to know the Jesus that religion has tried to destroy for so long. I want to know the man.

Do you believe in reincarnation? And would you take the unspeakable liberty? Have I?

It's funny the way history rewrites bitterness. The man that was once the "love of your life" has been reduced to some obsessed fan. Because you are the golden child. Right? Or is it because you're bruised too terribly to look at it for what it was?

Let go. Let go. Let go. Let go. Let go. Let go.

Let's go.

--Chrissy--

To M, who I will not dehuminize w/titles.

You were watching me all these years.
I never noticed.
You were watching me rot away.
Sell myself short.
Watching the daemons that once posessed you.
Watching them destroy me.
Waiting.
And waiting.

Until someone drove them out.
Someone forced them away.
Someone replaced the spaces that they once existed in w/love and truth.
Just like someone did.
For you.

And for the first time I looked at you.
And you looked back at me.
And you were brilliant beautiful.
You were white w/floodlights and streetlights and redemption.
I'd like to think I look like that too.
Call it a trick of the light.
Or my imagination.

But as I walked away, I could swear I saw you smile.

And now I'm sure that everything is going to be alright.

--Chrissy--

Score one for the naysayers.

Heh.

--Chrissy--

So.

The Coldplay DVD is fucking AMAZING so far. Paul is staying the night tonight (this is extra good, because it's supposed to be 26 degrees tonight, and I get cold sleeping by myself) so we can finish watching it.

Also, I finally have a game plan to lose this hideous amount of weight I've gained over the past few months.

Also, the new Sarah McLachlan is most disappointing.

Also, I don't care what you say, I liked Revolutions.

Also, for the first time in my life, I have found God. And I have this amazing understanding. And I have this beautiful clarity. My cynicism is almost entirely diminished now.

Also, Gordony. What up nuggah? Let's hang.

--Chrissy--

So it's a little late for warnings now, if I was ever going to heed them, that time has passed. I watched his hands just as much as the screen and squeezed the armrest harder than I realised. I have a new obsession w/Mary Magdalen. How fitting. No one will read this in it's entirety, because it's not in easy form. Because it's all just letters in words in sentences. If that. There is no such thing as good or bad. Just powerful or weak. My wealth is determined by who's holding my purse. I can't always smile smile smile. I can't just be ok.

My naivety has never been as glaringly obvious.
And neither has my potential.

Love is enough. Hell, it's more than enough. It is everything.

Don't be afraid.

Somebody, somewhere loves you.

--Chrissy--

I applied for Jeopardy today.

They're supposed to call me back w/my interview time sometime soon. I hope they do. I've wanted to be on Jeopardy since I was like...5.

Mike, Paul and I are going to see the Matrix tomorrow. I'm excited. My favourite people in the world.

Paul wrote my dad a 3 page letter, which I was scared to death to give to him (even though I had no idea what was in it, and gave my word I wouldn't read it). Well, I did end up giving it to him, and he read it, and then said "that man loves the hell out of you". That made me smile all over. My dad said he's gonna try to be more of a daddy and less of a father too. It's about time.

I wish I could say that I felt like love was enough all the time.

Hop Sheing is awesome. I love my job so much, it's ridiculous.

So? Anyone wanna hang out soon?

--Chrissy--

The Story of a Boy.
**
..And they shared a sense of wonder and awe, toward the vast and breathtaking world that was flying out of them and into them in all directions, and it carried over into a sense of wonder and awe toward each other. They were fireflies, and they were fireworks, and there was fire that burned so bright, and so hot that water wouldn't dare try to quench it.

And there were nights where he held her so tight that she could hardly breathe, and there was laughing like nothing they thought they could ever share w/anyone else again. And there was a freedom, above all things. The princess from the land of the the blue collars met the urchin in the land of the blue bloods and for that time, there was no time. And the millions of people, and the buildings, and the lights and the music and the untouchable burlesque of big city life all melted into one shimmering platform, upon which they gave each other things that could never be forgotten. Rips and tears of mouths and hearts and souls.

And that was the end of the beginning and the beginning of the end, and that was the default love. That is where her heart settled when left unoccupied. And sometimes he would close his eyes and she'd be there. She'd be waiting for him w/an honest smile, and all the love that he would never in his life admit he longed for more desperately than anything in the world.
**

The Story of a Man.
**

..They had met by accident, but there are no accidents of course. By that time she was so far gone, so deep into this pit of bad news and broken hearts, and he was so drunk on his own influence, that they were like the most beautiful carwreck anyone had ever seen. He saved her life, but never let her forget at what price that came. There were so many hands on heads and feet in mouth and so many deep stares through watery eyes.

They spoke so candidly, and she had never felt so much like she was supposed to be w/anyone merely because they were them and she was her. They switched off roles of student/teacher regularly and leaned on each other through the hard lessons. He took her into his family, and he let him see the part of her that she had spent so long trying to kill. Though her creativity was tapped, and her body was weary, he urged her to go on, and because she had nowhere else to draw it from, she fed upon his lifeblood.

One day the floor fell out from under them, but they couldn't let go, though they tried and struggled and bled. They cried out to all the gods that they didn't believe in to bless them, and help them escape this mess that they had made for themselves. But the gods chose not to answer those prayers. Instead, they let them go on and climb up on their own. Feet on fingers on fingers on heart on heart.

And enough couldn't ever be enough.

--Chrissy--

Johan: it feels almost like when I go down to the beach..you'll be there. it's weird. talking to you and seeing the beach in my mind and seeing how we were there before all sort of associates into "I'll be meeting puck down by the beach"
Puck: That would be nice.
Johan: Yeah.
Puck: Heh. One day.
* Johan nods.
Johan: Yeah, maybe.
Puck: If you're lucky.
Johan: heh heh. :) okay. me go now.
Puck: Alright. Have fun, kid. Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
Johan: heh heh. Don't worry about me, squirt!
***

I've never felt so alone in my life. Or so afraid.

I've never really been homeless before this.

My heart loves your heart, and my soul loves your soul. I don't want to destroy you anymore. I don't want loving me to be a burden.

So when we feel ready to love each other again...we will. I know we will.

But until then, my mind can't help but wonder why I still can't shake him. The wild card to end all wild cards. The default.

Funny, though. I don't feel torn at all.

--Chrissy--

White walls w/purple smudges.
A cornflake on the carpet crunches.
Our clothes lay on the floor in bunches.
As we do on the bed.
...

Haha, I'm glad the past is in the past. But I'm not angry, and I'm not sad.
...

I have the best Yin any Yang could ever ask for.
And a love that's like the most beautiful trainwreck anyone's ever seen.

--Chrissy--

Lyrics Survey: Answer using the lyrics of just one artist.

I'm using: Bob Dylan.

1.) Are you male or female?
"She takes just like a woman, yes, she does. She makes love just like a woman, yes, she does. And she aches just like a woman. But she breaks just like a little girl."
--Just Like a Woman

2.) Describe your neighborhood.
"Black crows in the meadow, across a broad highway. Though it's funny, honey. I just don't feel much like a scarecrow today."
--Black Crow Blues

3.) How do you look?
"Your pearly eyes, so fast and slashing. And your flashing diamond teeth."
--Spanish Harlem Incident

4.) If you could say something to the person you like, what would it be?
"Come closer, shut softly your watery eyes. The pangs of your sadness shall pass as your senses will rise."
--To Ramona

5.) Where do you wish you were right now?
"I'm walkin' down that long, lonesome road, babe. Where I'm bound, I can't tell."
--Don't Think Twice, It's Alright

6.) What would you say to your friends?
"Well, I try my best to be just like I am, but everybody wants you to be just like them. They sing while you slave and I just get bored."
--Maggie's Farm

7.) Any words of wisdom?
"When you got nothing, you got nothing to lose. You're invisible now, you got no secrets to conceal."
--Like a Rolling Stone

8.) What do you wish you were doing right now?
"Poor boy in a red hot town, out beyond the twinklin' stars. Ridin' first class trains - making the rounds. Tryin' to keep from fallin' between the cars."
--Poor Boy

9.) What do you think of drugs and alcohol?
"Oh, help me in my weakness," I heard the drifter say, as they carried him from the courtroom and were taking him away. "My trip hasn't been a pleasant one and my time it isn't long, and I still do not know ahat it was that I've done wrong."'
--Drifter's Escape

10.) If you could say one thing to someone you don't like what would it be?
"You're gonna yell and scream, "Don't anybody care?" You're gonna hear out a voice say, "Shoulda listened when you heard the word down there." Hey, hey! I'd sure hate to be you on that dreadful day."
--I'd Hate to Be You on that Dreadful Day

11) What do you usually do on Friday nights?
"You know I can't sleep at night for trying, I get up at night and walk the floor."
--You Angel You

12.) Are you for world peace?
"How long can I stay drunk on fear out in the wilderness? Can I cast it aside, all this loyalty and this pride? Will I ever learn that there'll be no peace, that the war won't cease?"
--When He Returns

13.) What do you think about school?
"I'm closin' the book, and I don't really care."
--Going, Going, Gone

14.) How do you feel right now?
"I got a poison headache, but I feel alright. I'm pledging my time to you, hoping you'll come through, too."
--Pledging My Time

15.) Any closing words?
"Businessmen, they drink my wine, plowmen dig my earth. None of them along the line know what any of it is worth."
--All Along the Watchtower

I'm done w/pretense.
And misdirected hostility.
And I miss my friends.
And I'm in love, no mater what you say.
And I feel honest remorse for the horrible things I've done.
And the stuff that really counts has nothing to do w/how much makeup I wear, or how put together my outfit is, or if I'm always "happy", or what crowd I run w/.

Tough is so overrated.

--Chrissy--

I'm not dead!!!!


(But I am a slave to the desk. I must go back to work now.)

I am Good Jessica and Bad Jessica.

But I'm getting help. *How did I get so far gone?*

Love is like a ton of bricks.

Mmmmm..bricks.

It's like he's picking my scab and now I can't stop bleeding.

{{Bub, Andrew, Sheexy, Jenn: I will be getting ahold of all of you at some point soon.}}

I miss Darien.

600 Goddard is THE place to be. Come visit, won't you?

--Chrissy--

"Chicago?

More like...

SHITCAGO."

**

I believe in human kindness. And it believes in me.

(I miss you all. 1-313-510-0142)

--Chrissy--

I have to go back to work in 6 minutes, so I'm typing w/all the fervor and fury my little fingers can muster.

Really, though, what is there to say that everyone doesn't already know?

I feel like I am finally whole. Like my life has become not so static, and the sun is shining on me brighter than it ever has before. I am in love. I am in love w/Rock and Roll and the Highway and man oh man am I in love w/Paul. And he's in love w/me, and even better, is that he feels the same as I do about Rock and Roll and the Highway.

I am the luckiest person I know.

I'm getting out of my house soon. Very soon. In a matter of days. I think it will be good for everyone involved. I now have an "our bed". It doesn't sound like much until one realises what it portends. I am sharing my life. I have given everything I have, only to get it all back tenfold.

Tonight is IHOP night!

Also, I am hanging out w/Amanda at some point.

The Detroit River looks like so much more when a beautiful boy w/an acoustic guitar is singing Roger Clyne songs and looking in your eyes and the sun is setting and for once nothing at all is missing.

Beauty. :D

--Chrissy--

.nothing noone anywhere could have predicted what i've done make love until it hurts to walk make love until we see the sun and breath on skin is antibiotic and we can live on love alone because darling we are symbiotic because my love this is our home and war and plague and hate and famine, drought and fear and tyranny they crack under things that we haven't they wouldn't dare crush you and me.

--Chrissy--